Sven, I’m 6 to 4

But while the PC philosophy is sound in theory; in reality, it’s beginning to spiral out of control. My youngest won’t be allowed to compete in his school’s sports day this year, as the headmistress frowns upon the notion of ‘losing’. Even fun events like the three-legged race have been cancelled, for fear of offending the McCartneys.

The policy-makers fail to realise the importance of competition. If i play ‘I Spy’ with little Goliath, and I can’t get the answer, I ground him for two weeks. There’s an important lesson here, if there are no winners in life, we may as well all pack up and move to Scotland.

The insanity of PC has also reached the catering industry. Some bright spark decided to change the name of a popular pudding to ‘Spotted Richard’ in order to ‘protect’ the bashful. There’s nothing amusing about ‘Spotted Dick’, but then again, it was my own fault for meeting up with Ulrika.

Sven Goran Eriksson has been there and done that, and I expect the smooth Swede to put up another fine performance away from home. Most bookmakers have Fulham as warm favourites for the visit of Manchester City, but I make this an each-of-two match. This one could really go either way; I’ll play the draw at 3.25.

The PC brigade have also demanded that ‘gingerbread men’ are renamed ‘gingerbread people’, to avoid upsetting the sensitive biscuit. Steve Coppell has the gingerest team ever put together outside of Ireland; I’ll be seeing red if Reading fail to do the business against Wigan at 2.20.

I’m going to have to try to adapt to this new PC environment. After all, if you can’t beat ‘em, Stan Collymore will lose all interest.

Mark Viduka is not fat, he’s merely got tremendous upper body strength. Newcastle look a touch big at 2.10 to see off the Hammers.

While Arsene Wenger was waxing lyrical over his in-form team, he used the phrase ‘very playerish’. As far as I’m aware, that doesn’t actually exist, like ‘bouncebackability’ or ‘a G-spot’. I can definitely find 1.17 for an Arsenal win over Derby.

I’m certainly not a philatelist, but i believe that Roy Keane has an impressive stamp collection. The 2.10 for a Middlesbrough win over Sunderland sticks out like Alf-Inge Haaland’s knee.

They say that curiosity killed the cat, but I refuse to rule out the McCanns at this stage. I’m seriously looking in to the 2.30 for an Aston Villa win over Everton.

I fancy Blackburn at 1.91 to win at home to Portsmouth. With Bentley, Dunn and Savage in the side, the Rovers definitely have the tools to get the result.

I hope that Pascal Chimbonda wins his race to be fit to face Bolton; he was reportedly a little bunged up. A Tottenham win is in the bag at 2.60.

Sir Alex has reported Liverpool to the Premier League for allegedly making an illegal approach to Gabriel Heinze. How surprising, someone’s getting tapped-up and a Sweaty and a bunch of Scousers are on the scene. I’m going to be all over the 1.25 for a Liverpool win over Birmingham.

A run of three matches without a win was enough for Roman Abramovich to sack Jose Mourinho. It would be fair to say that Jose’s eggs have been well and truly poached; probably by Liverpool. Manchester United are now unmissable at 2.25 against a shell-shocked Chelsea.

Peter Crouch is reportedly seething as a result of becoming a bit-part player at Anfield. One might say it’s a case of PC gone mad; if one was a pretentious nause.

My level of confidence in the 14.00 accer of Liverpool, Middlesbrough, Tottenham and Manchester United is so high; I’m going to recommend that we all bet like men. On reflection, perhaps we ought to bet like non-specific gender-neutrals.

Weekend Betting:

Arsenal v Derby Saturday 22nd September 15:00

Arsenal 1.17
Draw 7.00
Derby 21.0

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:
Fabregas to score from outside the penalty area 8.50

Liverpool v Birmingham Saturday 22nd September 15:00

Liverpool 1.25
Draw 5.50
Birmingham 21.00

Get on: Liverpool

Match Special:
Torres to score with a header 5.50

Middlesbrough v Sunderland Saturday 22nd September 15:00

Middlesbrough 2.10
Draw 3.25
Sunderland 3.75

Get on: Middlesbrough

Match Special:
Middlesbrough to win and keep a clean sheet 3.60

Reading v Wigan Saturday 22nd September 15:00

Reading 2.20
Draw 3.25
Wigan 3.60

Get on: Reading

Match Special:
Reading to score three or more goals 5.00

Fulham v Man City Saturday 22nd September 17:15 Live on Setanta

Fulham 2.50
Draw 3.25
Man City 2.80

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
No goalscorer in the match 9.50

Newcastle v West Ham Sunday 23rd September 13:30 Live on Sky

Newcastle 2.10
Draw 3.40
West Ham 4.00

Get on: Newcastle

Match Special:
Viduka to score in a 2-0 Newcastle win 13.00

Aston Villa v Everton Sunday 23rd September 14:00

Aston Villa 2.30
Draw 3.25
Everton 3.25

Get on: Aston Villa

Match Special:
Young to score at any time 4.50

Blackburn v Portsmouth Sunday 23rd September 15:00

Blackburn 1.91
Draw 3.30
Portsmouth 4.33

Get on: Blackburn

Match Special:
Santa Cruz to score the first goal 7.00

Bolton v Tottenham Sunday 23rd September 15:00

Bolton 2.80
Draw 3.25
Tottenham 2.60

Get on: Tottenham

Match Special:
Berbatov to score two or more goals 13.00

Man Utd v Chelsea Sunday 23rd September 16:00 Live on Sky

Man Utd 2.25
Draw 3.20
Chelsea 3.50

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special:
Ronaldo to score the only goal of the game 34.00